BLJ Part 2- Problems

I didn't quite get around to writing last week about our first week reading Blue Like Jazz. But I am ready to wrong that, though I will be skipping right ahead to chapter 2.

It could be quite pointless writing all this. I mean why read what I have to say about the book when you can just read the book itself. Which you should. But please join in if you like. The more the merrier. Feel free to comment and agree, disagree, call me a Heretic or just say Hi.

So to business.

What I love about Chapter 2- 'Problems'- is that it has helped me understand the human condition better. If you are a Christian in Northern Ireland then you know that we are all sinners and need saved. Well at least that's what we are told. And ultimately I believe this and I affirm this. However I never felt comfortable with it. I never liked this. It felt like when I wanted my friends to know about God that I had to start a conversation with this statement and that's just awkward.

It's not a great conversation opener to be honest. Telling people that they need saved is kind of arrogant if you think about it, as if you have the answers already. But I think this is actually a really beautiful thing. The fact that we are far from perfect and that we need rescued from ourselves.

And the reason I think it is beautiful is because I agree with Don that the problem with the world starts with me.

I could sit here and write all day about issues that are wrong in the world. People who are doing terrible things to other people. Lives which are being torn apart by war and hatred. Governments which are abusing other smaller and weaker countries for their own power. You don't need to go far to see just how messed up the world is.

I mean I am fine. I can get up in the morning and I am a Christian and I can go to church every week and read my Bible every day, or at least intend to. And those things I saw on the news last night are nothing to do with me. And I can write a blog which is ultimately not helping the world at all. And it's all fine because I am saved.

But therein lies the problem. Because when I start seeing the world like this then I am actually becoming the problem. My Christian life can become very selfish and all about me that I can forget that there is a world out there. Not that I am saying I am the solution because if I am, then God help us all.

But we can't make a difference unless we realise that we are all in need of rescuing. If nothing more than from ourselves.

So when it comes to telling people that they are sinners and they need rescued, it's actually the most freeing thing we can come to understand about ourselves. When we throw our egos out the window then we don't need to stop trying to feed them so much. We don't need to keep chasing after things that we think are going to make us happy.

I know that when I write here a part of me wants people to read it and think I am a great writer and very clever. I want my friends to see how amazing I am. I want them to compliment me. I want them to compare me to Rob Bell and I want them to tell my friends about me.

And I am a living example of how I am the problem. Because I can't love others when I am spending so much time trying to please myself. It doesn't work. And so I need to be rescued.

And I have been and I am so thankful to a God that has shown me that the world doesn't revolve around me. So this is why I think one of the greatest things we can learn about ourselves is that we are sinners. Not because God wants us to beat oursleves up. Or needs us to give him praise.

But because he knows that we are chasing something that will never really give us what we need, when we try and live for oursleves.

If we understand this then maybe we can understand oursleves better and understand what God is really like.

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Following Don

Wow. It's been over a month since I last wrote here and I really don't like that. So I am going to write more and to help me I am going to blog once a week on the book Blue Like Jazz by the amazing Don Miller.

Since we are starting to read this book in a sort of small group I have joined, I thought it would be a good way to keep track of my thoughts and just as important the thoughts of the other guys in the group. And if you haven't read it, get yourself a copy (you really need to own this book!! Seriously stop reading and get a copy......why are you still here?!!) and please feel free to join in the fun by commenting on my posts on each of the chapters.

I can't tell you how much this book changed my life and I know that may sound cheesy or cliched but its true and I am excited to read it again for the..well I have lost count, but its worth reading over and over.

So I am excited to get started and if you want to follow along you are more than welcome.

Until later then....

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Music to Your Ears

The one thing that has the power to affect most people more than anything else is music. Listening to and experiencing live. I don't really understand when some people say they don't like music. I have always presumed that everyone just did.

I love discovering new music and equally love going back to old music that I haven't listened to in a long time. New music inspires us to realise that creativity can be endless, that there is still hope. If we can constantly come up with new music then maybe we can always reach forward. Instead of getting stuck in life cycles where we feel we aren't getting anywhere, music reminds us that this does not have to be so and we can create and get better.

There is something magical about it. It can change our whole mood and outlook on life in just 3 and a half minutes.

On the other hand, going back to music that we haven't listened to in a while can remind us of better times. It can say to us hey remember when you were happy, or when you didn't struggle. Well you can be like that again. It doesn't have to be like this.

I honestly believe that music can have that sort of impact on us.

And there is no better way to experience that, than when you see live music. Sometimes live music can suck, but other times it can be a truly spiritual experience. Taking you out of your self and your problems and your struggles for two hours.

I've felt that with the Swell Season, Anathallo, the first time I saw the Manics,

the first time I saw Therapy? when I wasn't actually old enough to get into the Empire,

the first time I went to a hardcore show and realised that there was a whole type of intense music that I never knew existed,

the first time I crowdsurfed,

the first time I heard Rage Against the Machine,

the first time I saw Take That and felt the emotion of seeing a great band reform for the first time in years,

the time I saw Radiohead in a small theatre after thinking I had missed out on tickets,

the time I saw a band called Cave In my friend Peter went on about to me and didn't look back,

the time I waited for my friend Rohan to pick me up to get the Oasis album but he was late and they had sold out.

The first concert I went to and was just overtaken by what was going on. Jumping up and down for hours to good music. Just letting go and singing and sometimes being a bit violent.

All these moments and thousands more have been engrained in my memory. In those moments I felt like I could do anything, that no matter what I faced it didn't matter because I had music and I had friends to experience it with. I would always have music. It wouldn't let me down.

Right now this song is making me excited to be alive. What song or band is making you excited to be alive?

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The Last Temptation of Jesus

When the Bible is called the 'living word' it usually means several things. For example that even though it was written a long time ago it is still relevant today. But what I love more is that you can read something in the Bible, something you have read many times before and then suddenly a new insight jumps out at you. You get a new look at a bit of information that before was just part of the background.

I love when this happens and it happened to me this week. And it happened at a time when I really really needed a certain passage to take on some fresh meaning for me.

I'm talking about Matthew chapter 4, where Jesus is taken into a desert and tempted by Satan, trying to get him to give in to him. I haven't read this passage loads of times for myself but I felt like I knew it pretty well and that I understood all there was to understand. Boy was I wrong! And maybe the biggest lesson I learned was to read things for myself, not just assume that I know what they are going to say.

But in the words of the great Jimmy Cricket....there's more.

In my last post I talked about struggling with temptation. And one of the things I have really struggled with when I have been tempted by porn is to understand where Jesus was in it. I would pray and I would ask him to help and often he did, but somehow he felt distant and pretty much didn't understand what I was going through.

I mean I have heard on countless occassions that Jesus knows exactly what it feels like to be us. He knows what it feels like to go through our struggles. But I couldn't quite believe that. How can Jesus know what it is like to be tempted by porn?! He may well have been tempted sexually but it certainly isn't reported in the Bible.

But reading Matthew 4 again something hit me which has changed my whole look on Jesus. And the thing that hit me most was verses 8 and 9 (the message)

For the third test, the Devil took him to the peak of a huge mountain. He gestured expansively, pointing out all the earth's kingdoms, how glorious they all were. Then he said, "They're yours—lock, stock, and barrel. Just go down on your knees and worship me, and they're yours."

Jesus was tempted twice by Satan but then on the third time, he offers Jesus everything. He offers him power and prestige and control. He offers him the chance to control and rule the world.

There is a little problem though in that Satan can't offer him any of this. According to Satan if Jesus just bows to him he can have it all. But it isn't Satan's to give. Satan does not have any authority to give this to Jesus. It's a big stinking lie. Plain and simple.

I thought about when I struggle with temptation and lust and porn and I realised that this is exactly what Satan does with me. He offers me an escape. If I was just to take the time to look at that website or buy that magazine, then everything would be ok. The things I was looking for would be given to me. The hurt or void in my life that I think porn can fill will be filled....

When you struggle with porn or lust it is usually because there is something you are trying to fix. We use it to fix our past, our feelings of abandonment, our self image issues. We turn to porn to give us back control we feel we have lost somewhere. For me it may be issues to do with losing my father. A loss of a father figure. A loss of the type of love that a Father gives. For others it may be abuse they suffered or other parental junk from your past.

The main thing, no matter why you look at porn, you are looking to get back some sort of control. You were raped as a kid so you look at porn because it gives you a feeling of control again. Something that was taken from you. There are a hundred reasons why people turn to porn but I believe that regaining control is the underlying reason.

And it's at this point that I realised that Jesus does know what it feels like to be sexually tempted. Because Jesus was offered the chance to get control by Satan. Verse 1 tells us that Jesus had been fasting for forty days and nights and he was hungry. We don't know what Jesus dealt with during that time, but I bet he thought about what lay ahead for him. We know from Matthew 26 v 39 that Jesus was human because he asked for God to provide an alternative from him dying on the cross.

"My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do you want?" (the message)

Jesus was scared. Jesus knew that this was not going to be nice. Wow Jesus was human. I read these two passages and suddenly I realised Jesus was just like us. I started to see Jesus as someone who understood everything I went through. This changes everything.

Back to the desert.

Jesus was hungry. He was vulnerable. He needed filled up. If you struggle with porn it's because you are hungry. You are vulnerable. You need filled up.

Wow. Are you getting that?!

And when Satan offers him a chance to get back a feeling of control, it must have been very tempting.

Jesus knows exactly what it's like to be tempted by porn. And he didn't cave. He stood firm. He knew that not giving in was what was really going to fill that hole. He knew that only God could really offer what he desired.

And if Jesus can do it then so can we. He is in me now and so that means his power is in me and you and anyone who loves him.

I have been tempted a few time recently and when I am I remember this. I remember that Jesus does understand what I am feeling and because he loves me he shows me how to get past the temptation. If nothing else just knowing Jesus understands is enough for me to resist. Knowing that Jesus does care. Because now I don't feel alone. I don't feel like I am the only one who goes through this.

And even if you are (but you're not)

Jesus knows.

Jesus understands.

Jesus does feel what it feels like.

Jesus survived the desert.

That means so can you.

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I like big Buts

I'm putting my lack of blog posts lately down to being pretty busy. In the last few weeks since I got home from London I have been at school, saying goodbyes, making some money, hanging out with friends, Summer Madness and now finally sitting down and just taking some time for myself.

It's much needed. It feels good and I think that everyone should take some time, every day just to be on their own. I'm finally now getting the chance. And what a lot of stuff it has thrown up!

This week the temptations and issues I thought were a thing of the past raised their ugly (and I mean hideously ugly) heads again, (I need to deal with why that happened for sure but for now I want to deal with how I react in the moment). When something bad in your life that you thought was done with and has lost its control over you comes back it can be scary and alarming and just frustrating. But this week I really got to understand first hand how God can use all things for his glory.

I was tempted to look at porn again this week and I honestly very nearly did. Something stopped me. Something in me that I certainly can't explain but whatever it was I am just glad it spoke up inside of me. However I wasn't honest about how I was struggling. I said I was fine and I wasn't and I lied to the one person I should be able to share these things with. It was close and I know that I hurt someone very close to me because of it.

And that is where my healing really came from.

Love is supposed to be a great motivator but honestly for me anyway, knowing I have hurt someone is much more challenging for me to change behaviour. When I stopped looking at porn it began by feeling terrible about what I had done. The feelings of shame or being found out made me reassess what I am doing. Simply put, causing someone else to hurt is what makes me more than anything else want to not look at porn. There is no greater motivation for me.

The trouble for me though is that I think I have confused these feelings for feelings of hatred and disgust at myself. No doubt sometimes those feelings are necessary to cause change in our behaviours but definately it is not what we should be living with. I have been shown this week by my best friend that feeling bad because we have hurt someone should not be seen as identical as hating ourselves all the time.

I don't want to ever forget how I made my girlfriend feel when she found out what I had nearly done but at the same time I need to live with that at a healthy distance. My girlfriend calls this 'owning our sin'.

In one of the books in the New Testament, Romans it talks about God's love and it says

Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: (The Message).

Now if this is true and I believe it is, then how would me hating myself constantly, fit into God's love for me. Well..it just couldn't. It's impossible. Porn or masturbation (if that is a sin?...that deserves another post all of its own) or any other sin we do are not able to make God love us less. And me hating myself is certainly not in God's plan for me or you or anyone. So we can't go around beating ourselves up all the time. I can't beat myself up because of stuff in my past.

God's love is bigger than us or anything we think or do.

So this is where I find myself. I want to remember what I have done in the past. I want to remember the hurt and devestation it has caused, to myself but also others. I want to remember the way I felt when I have been pulled up about porn. I want to remember when I have been told that unless I stop things I shouldn't be doing a relationship can't continue. It's not nice. It certainly puts things in perspective.

But.... and this is a huge but (insert own joke here), I don't want them to affect how I feel about myself. I am loved. God loves me so much. God's love covers the worst thing I can think of. Or the worst thing I do. I want love to be the main motivator for me to stay pure. God's love and my girlfriend's love. My friends' love and my families love. I think the way we should live in this truth is that when we sin it should make us feel bad. I guess that's where repentace begins.

But maybe we need to always hold these feelings at a safe distance.

Love allows us to live with these things and not let them dictate our lives. So my challenge for myself and anyone who struggles with porn or lust or sin. Don't just assume your actions don't affect other people. They do. We need to remember that. But if we base them in God's love, a love that can never be destroyed, they can inspire us to be fair to ourselves and the people close to us by living without sin, without giving ourselves a mental beating.

If that doesn't help remember this ....

the only buts we should be looking at are the ones that God shows us, when we think we can't let go of our sin..

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