14 May 2011

For the kittens- It's Masturbation Month.

It is that time of the year again. When the sun starts to come out of hiding. When the flowers start to bloom. When we dust off the bbq and when…ahem we are supposed to masturbate?!

Mmm. Wow. Sorry folks. I don’t know how that got in there.

But yes! May is the official national masturbation month. The time set aside for everyone to join in the mass debate (see what I did there).

If you know a bit of my story then you know that porn and masturbation are things that I have had struggles with and things that I still to some degree struggle with today. Porn and masturbation are still very much taboo subjects in the church. Some people don’t like to talk about such things. Which is fine I guess, unless of course you are finding it difficult to quit when you really want to, and when the only way to actually beat it is to be open about your struggles. When you’re falling deeper and deeper into an addiction you thought would never get you and now you find yourself hating yourself, hating God and ending up wondering who the person staring back at you in the mirror is.

Then, of course, it isn’t so good to not talk about such things.

So this May, instead of promoting masturbation I want to encourage you to give it up. Give it up for one month, if that sounds too much try a week, a day even. Just stop spanking your monkey long enough to see how it changes how you feel about yourself. But of course there needs to be good reasons to quit and below I have come up with 3 excellent reasons why you should give masturbation the heave ho this May.

1/ It is a well known fact that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Kitten’s are cute and the thought alone of a poor kitten dying because of you, should be enough of a motivation to stop. Masturbation is making kittens extinct. I certainly don’t want that blood on my hands.

2/ No, masturbating won’t make you go blind or make hairs grow on your palms. But it will encourage you to lust. It will mean you start to objectify women in your head. It will mean that you won’t have a healthy respect for your girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse. Give me hairy palms any day.

3/ Masturbation isn’t usually done in isolation. Usually there are triggers such as porn. So even if you do masturbate without any, how can I put this, help, eventually you will need porn. And that will eventually lead to finding yourself looking at porn more and more, which could lead to addiction, which will lead to despair, low self esteem, an unrealistic view of sex, stronger porn, even lower self esteem, isolation from others, and more porn. I could go on. Needless to say it’s a vicious circle.

So there you have it. Happy (Non)Masturbation month of May everyone. Who is willing to take up the challenge?

And remember, if for nothing else. Do it for the kittens.


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