Getting Grace

I think for Christians we talk a lot about grace. I mean when we become a Christian it is so important, we are told how amazing it is how crucial it is, how we need to embrace it. It is totally wonderful, unfair, illogical and that is why I like it. Somehow though grace seems to take a back seat after. It's like it is our way in and that is that. But I believe grace is much bigger. I believe we need to accept it daily. I don't think we truly understand it. We give so much emphasis to it but then not enough.

I have been thinking about it a lot recently. I want it to be part of my life everyday. When I sin I need it because it takes away the guilt that I feel. That sounds like a cop out and a license to keep sinning. But I think that is wrong. I think the more that I understand grace the more I realise I don't want to sin. The more I realise I want it to help me grow and become more like the person I am meant to be. I have somehow got into this screwed up thinking that God wants me to hang onto the baggage that I have accumulated. I think I need it to just keep me in with God. I think that if I don't hold onto that crap then God will somehow think I am being abusive of Grace. But thats rubbish. He wants me to be free. Free from sin yeah, but free from my own skewed thinking.

That's why I love Grace. I love it because I mess up, I learn stuff then contradict myself, I let myself down. And grace is there to show me that when those things happen there is hope for me. Hope for everyone. No matter the who, what, where, when or why's of our lives. Because they don't matter to God.

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Back to Blagging

I haven't written here in ages. I just stopped. I couldnt' be bothered. And that's OK. But now I feel like I want to start writing again. When I started I said I didn't care if anyone ever read this and hey presto no one did except for a couple of people. Thank you :) You know who you are

But I think I really did care. And so I stopped. But that is stupid so I have decided I need to write just for me. To organise the many random thoughts I have (which there are a lot believe me), and to understand myself better. Sorry if that sounds like some sort of psychological rubbish thats probably because it is. But from now I am writing again. If no one reads this my ego will probably not like it. I kind of want to be a writer and I guess if I do I should want to write for myself in the first place. So here goes...if you find this then you are more than welcome to join me on the ride....

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Don't give up

Recently I have been going through some stuff thats been troubling me. I've been having thoughts about Christianity, my purpose or calling, if I can even be bothered with any of it, whatever any of it is anyway. I've felt like God doesn't care and frankly I'm not sure I was even bothered about that. I've laid in bed not wanting to get up the following morning, wishing I could stay in bed for a long time. I know that some people who have these feelings are diagnosed with depression and maybe thats what I felt. It sure felt like it could be.

No doubt a lot of the feelings I have had have arisen from struggles I have with sexual sin. I have failed a few times with particular struggles I have been having. Just when I thought I was over one particular aspect of sexual sin, another has risen its ugly head and definately that has contributed to the loss of hope I have been feeling.

When you think like that it is hard to get out of, but thankfully I'm starting to think more positively. I have been reading Matthew Paul Turners new book about calling (which I will review soon, once I have finished it) which has given me hope. I have been helped massively by reading stories on xxxchurch.com and heartsupport.com similar to mine which have given me hope. Being honest with my friend about my failures and difficulties with wanting to do things of a sexual nature that deplete my soul, has given me hope. I have started to discover things about my placement (which I want to go into soon as well), which I thought was pointless which has given me hope. And most of all I just read an article by John Piper which has given me...yep thats right....hope.

It's funny how things work out, how if we just hang in there and are ready to fight for ourselves, to have some respect for ourselves and be determined not to beat ourselves up because we think that some how that is being humble, things look brighter. It''s funny how if we just hold on to some sort of belief that God does actually care (even when the only thing we want to do is drop him) we can actually become more like how we were meant to be.

There are people who care, people whos stories you will find freakily similar to yours, and a God who will love us no matter what are thoughts about him are like. Hope is there and freedom is an amazing thing to really feel. I don't think many people really know that peace. I want it and I right now I am willing to fight for my life again. For today at least!!

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there is hope

The great thing about getting to do a placement as I am at the moment with East Belfast Mission is I get to learn from people who aren't happy with how the world is and sees a better 'version' of society and culture and the world we live in. EBM is striving to do that and its great to see and be a small part of.

Today I got the opportunity to sit in on a seminar on theology and practioners and the role in reconcilliation. This was great as I got to learn from some great theologians and practioners in Northern Ireland. The people I got to spend time with today were smart people so quite what I was doing there I don't know but it was a fascinating insight into faith and how our understanding should impact our lives espacially in regards to our society. If I am honest and I would rather not because it won't do my ego any good, I thought a lot of it was over my head. However getting home reading my notes I had made, I realised maybe it wasn't too bad. Perhaps the language was confusing at times but the themes being explored were things I had in one way or the other reflected on. There were ideas of how the church should improve and also things that the church should stop doing and it all made sense to me in a practical way.

That doesn't always mean it works out well unfortunately but with what I witnessed today and with what I heard there are people of a Christian faith in this country with some great ideas. That was both inspiring and comforting especially with certain controversies that the church is dealing with and unfortunately letting overlook some great theological and practical work being done.

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home sweet home...not

So I've just returned home after a week in New York. I had a great week, met some great new people, ate too many pancakes, got lost a couple times on the subway but all in all a fantastic week.... until I got home.

Don't get me wrong its good to be home but not when you spend the first 24 hours throwing up including an unfortunate incident on a bus...
Anyway, back home, new year, don't feel any different like I think you are supposed to magically at New Year (I don't go for the whole New Year thing!) but I want to be different this year.
I want to change, be less fake, not be afraid to show my emotions instead of always saying I'm fine if I'm not, not care so much what people think of me, take a few more chances, appreciate friends more plus a thousand other ways I want to change.

I guess what I am saying is I don't want to take a moment once a year to make decisions that I know I won't follow up on. I want to be changing every day more into the person I think I'm meant to be.

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