Music to Your Ears

The one thing that has the power to affect most people more than anything else is music. Listening to and experiencing live. I don't really understand when some people say they don't like music. I have always presumed that everyone just did.

I love discovering new music and equally love going back to old music that I haven't listened to in a long time. New music inspires us to realise that creativity can be endless, that there is still hope. If we can constantly come up with new music then maybe we can always reach forward. Instead of getting stuck in life cycles where we feel we aren't getting anywhere, music reminds us that this does not have to be so and we can create and get better.

There is something magical about it. It can change our whole mood and outlook on life in just 3 and a half minutes.

On the other hand, going back to music that we haven't listened to in a while can remind us of better times. It can say to us hey remember when you were happy, or when you didn't struggle. Well you can be like that again. It doesn't have to be like this.

I honestly believe that music can have that sort of impact on us.

And there is no better way to experience that, than when you see live music. Sometimes live music can suck, but other times it can be a truly spiritual experience. Taking you out of your self and your problems and your struggles for two hours.

I've felt that with the Swell Season, Anathallo, the first time I saw the Manics,

the first time I saw Therapy? when I wasn't actually old enough to get into the Empire,

the first time I went to a hardcore show and realised that there was a whole type of intense music that I never knew existed,

the first time I crowdsurfed,

the first time I heard Rage Against the Machine,

the first time I saw Take That and felt the emotion of seeing a great band reform for the first time in years,

the time I saw Radiohead in a small theatre after thinking I had missed out on tickets,

the time I saw a band called Cave In my friend Peter went on about to me and didn't look back,

the time I waited for my friend Rohan to pick me up to get the Oasis album but he was late and they had sold out.

The first concert I went to and was just overtaken by what was going on. Jumping up and down for hours to good music. Just letting go and singing and sometimes being a bit violent.

All these moments and thousands more have been engrained in my memory. In those moments I felt like I could do anything, that no matter what I faced it didn't matter because I had music and I had friends to experience it with. I would always have music. It wouldn't let me down.

Right now this song is making me excited to be alive. What song or band is making you excited to be alive?

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The Last Temptation of Jesus

When the Bible is called the 'living word' it usually means several things. For example that even though it was written a long time ago it is still relevant today. But what I love more is that you can read something in the Bible, something you have read many times before and then suddenly a new insight jumps out at you. You get a new look at a bit of information that before was just part of the background.

I love when this happens and it happened to me this week. And it happened at a time when I really really needed a certain passage to take on some fresh meaning for me.

I'm talking about Matthew chapter 4, where Jesus is taken into a desert and tempted by Satan, trying to get him to give in to him. I haven't read this passage loads of times for myself but I felt like I knew it pretty well and that I understood all there was to understand. Boy was I wrong! And maybe the biggest lesson I learned was to read things for myself, not just assume that I know what they are going to say.

But in the words of the great Jimmy Cricket....there's more.

In my last post I talked about struggling with temptation. And one of the things I have really struggled with when I have been tempted by porn is to understand where Jesus was in it. I would pray and I would ask him to help and often he did, but somehow he felt distant and pretty much didn't understand what I was going through.

I mean I have heard on countless occassions that Jesus knows exactly what it feels like to be us. He knows what it feels like to go through our struggles. But I couldn't quite believe that. How can Jesus know what it is like to be tempted by porn?! He may well have been tempted sexually but it certainly isn't reported in the Bible.

But reading Matthew 4 again something hit me which has changed my whole look on Jesus. And the thing that hit me most was verses 8 and 9 (the message)

For the third test, the Devil took him to the peak of a huge mountain. He gestured expansively, pointing out all the earth's kingdoms, how glorious they all were. Then he said, "They're yours—lock, stock, and barrel. Just go down on your knees and worship me, and they're yours."

Jesus was tempted twice by Satan but then on the third time, he offers Jesus everything. He offers him power and prestige and control. He offers him the chance to control and rule the world.

There is a little problem though in that Satan can't offer him any of this. According to Satan if Jesus just bows to him he can have it all. But it isn't Satan's to give. Satan does not have any authority to give this to Jesus. It's a big stinking lie. Plain and simple.

I thought about when I struggle with temptation and lust and porn and I realised that this is exactly what Satan does with me. He offers me an escape. If I was just to take the time to look at that website or buy that magazine, then everything would be ok. The things I was looking for would be given to me. The hurt or void in my life that I think porn can fill will be filled....

When you struggle with porn or lust it is usually because there is something you are trying to fix. We use it to fix our past, our feelings of abandonment, our self image issues. We turn to porn to give us back control we feel we have lost somewhere. For me it may be issues to do with losing my father. A loss of a father figure. A loss of the type of love that a Father gives. For others it may be abuse they suffered or other parental junk from your past.

The main thing, no matter why you look at porn, you are looking to get back some sort of control. You were raped as a kid so you look at porn because it gives you a feeling of control again. Something that was taken from you. There are a hundred reasons why people turn to porn but I believe that regaining control is the underlying reason.

And it's at this point that I realised that Jesus does know what it feels like to be sexually tempted. Because Jesus was offered the chance to get control by Satan. Verse 1 tells us that Jesus had been fasting for forty days and nights and he was hungry. We don't know what Jesus dealt with during that time, but I bet he thought about what lay ahead for him. We know from Matthew 26 v 39 that Jesus was human because he asked for God to provide an alternative from him dying on the cross.

"My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do you want?" (the message)

Jesus was scared. Jesus knew that this was not going to be nice. Wow Jesus was human. I read these two passages and suddenly I realised Jesus was just like us. I started to see Jesus as someone who understood everything I went through. This changes everything.

Back to the desert.

Jesus was hungry. He was vulnerable. He needed filled up. If you struggle with porn it's because you are hungry. You are vulnerable. You need filled up.

Wow. Are you getting that?!

And when Satan offers him a chance to get back a feeling of control, it must have been very tempting.

Jesus knows exactly what it's like to be tempted by porn. And he didn't cave. He stood firm. He knew that not giving in was what was really going to fill that hole. He knew that only God could really offer what he desired.

And if Jesus can do it then so can we. He is in me now and so that means his power is in me and you and anyone who loves him.

I have been tempted a few time recently and when I am I remember this. I remember that Jesus does understand what I am feeling and because he loves me he shows me how to get past the temptation. If nothing else just knowing Jesus understands is enough for me to resist. Knowing that Jesus does care. Because now I don't feel alone. I don't feel like I am the only one who goes through this.

And even if you are (but you're not)

Jesus knows.

Jesus understands.

Jesus does feel what it feels like.

Jesus survived the desert.

That means so can you.

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I like big Buts

I'm putting my lack of blog posts lately down to being pretty busy. In the last few weeks since I got home from London I have been at school, saying goodbyes, making some money, hanging out with friends, Summer Madness and now finally sitting down and just taking some time for myself.

It's much needed. It feels good and I think that everyone should take some time, every day just to be on their own. I'm finally now getting the chance. And what a lot of stuff it has thrown up!

This week the temptations and issues I thought were a thing of the past raised their ugly (and I mean hideously ugly) heads again, (I need to deal with why that happened for sure but for now I want to deal with how I react in the moment). When something bad in your life that you thought was done with and has lost its control over you comes back it can be scary and alarming and just frustrating. But this week I really got to understand first hand how God can use all things for his glory.

I was tempted to look at porn again this week and I honestly very nearly did. Something stopped me. Something in me that I certainly can't explain but whatever it was I am just glad it spoke up inside of me. However I wasn't honest about how I was struggling. I said I was fine and I wasn't and I lied to the one person I should be able to share these things with. It was close and I know that I hurt someone very close to me because of it.

And that is where my healing really came from.

Love is supposed to be a great motivator but honestly for me anyway, knowing I have hurt someone is much more challenging for me to change behaviour. When I stopped looking at porn it began by feeling terrible about what I had done. The feelings of shame or being found out made me reassess what I am doing. Simply put, causing someone else to hurt is what makes me more than anything else want to not look at porn. There is no greater motivation for me.

The trouble for me though is that I think I have confused these feelings for feelings of hatred and disgust at myself. No doubt sometimes those feelings are necessary to cause change in our behaviours but definately it is not what we should be living with. I have been shown this week by my best friend that feeling bad because we have hurt someone should not be seen as identical as hating ourselves all the time.

I don't want to ever forget how I made my girlfriend feel when she found out what I had nearly done but at the same time I need to live with that at a healthy distance. My girlfriend calls this 'owning our sin'.

In one of the books in the New Testament, Romans it talks about God's love and it says

Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: (The Message).

Now if this is true and I believe it is, then how would me hating myself constantly, fit into God's love for me. Well..it just couldn't. It's impossible. Porn or masturbation (if that is a sin?...that deserves another post all of its own) or any other sin we do are not able to make God love us less. And me hating myself is certainly not in God's plan for me or you or anyone. So we can't go around beating ourselves up all the time. I can't beat myself up because of stuff in my past.

God's love is bigger than us or anything we think or do.

So this is where I find myself. I want to remember what I have done in the past. I want to remember the hurt and devestation it has caused, to myself but also others. I want to remember the way I felt when I have been pulled up about porn. I want to remember when I have been told that unless I stop things I shouldn't be doing a relationship can't continue. It's not nice. It certainly puts things in perspective.

But.... and this is a huge but (insert own joke here), I don't want them to affect how I feel about myself. I am loved. God loves me so much. God's love covers the worst thing I can think of. Or the worst thing I do. I want love to be the main motivator for me to stay pure. God's love and my girlfriend's love. My friends' love and my families love. I think the way we should live in this truth is that when we sin it should make us feel bad. I guess that's where repentace begins.

But maybe we need to always hold these feelings at a safe distance.

Love allows us to live with these things and not let them dictate our lives. So my challenge for myself and anyone who struggles with porn or lust or sin. Don't just assume your actions don't affect other people. They do. We need to remember that. But if we base them in God's love, a love that can never be destroyed, they can inspire us to be fair to ourselves and the people close to us by living without sin, without giving ourselves a mental beating.

If that doesn't help remember this ....

the only buts we should be looking at are the ones that God shows us, when we think we can't let go of our sin..

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The End is the Beginning is the End

It seems my life has been full of a lot of 'How It Ends' recently and I guess that's just what this time of year throws up. A lot of goodbyes, finishing of degrees, courses, internships etc. It can be so exciting and exhausting all in one.

This week I graduated from BBC along with a lot of friends and it was good to finally put an end to this chapter of my life. Unfortunately along with that comes the inevitable goodbyes and the farewell of friends from abroad, some of who we're not sure when we will meet again, if at all.

To be honest, I'm not that big of a farwell person. I'll miss people but I know that the ones I am close to, I will see again. I know it will happen. I think that's the problem sometimes. We just never know how. We don't know when we will find the time or the money.

But if we want it to happen I am pretty sure all of us will make it happen. I have a had a few of these phases in my life. End of school, end of Uni, end of living with people for four years, end of amazing summers, end of relationships. The list could go on and you could thousands of others to that. Everyone has these experiences. The feeling that something special is lost and we will never get it back. People we say we will always stay in touch with but we don't, even if they are our facebook friends.

But yet life seems to keep offering up more experiences that we don't want to end, so I know that this is not the end, but just a change. I will feel exactly like this again, just next time about something else.

I don't know if that sounds cold, like I don't care. But I feel like life is always going to be like this and to be honest I hope it does. I want to experience lots of things and I want to change because change is good. Change is essential for the world to keep evolving. If we don't change stagnation occurs. This is true from theology all the way to changing your underwear.

So this week I want to remember my time at BBC and remember my friends there but I also want to look forward to the summer and what is going to happen after.

They say that school is the best time of your life. Maybe that was true for you, maybe not. Whatever part of your life you would put in there, what about the next part. Do you really want your school days to be the best days of your life? Do I want my BBC time to be the best days of my life? Do you want that job you just moved on from to be the best days of your life? That trip, that journey, that internship, that summer?

I know I don't.

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Invisible Children- How It Ends

Six weeks ago I started this internship in London with Invisible Children and now almost six weeks later I am nearly done.

I have had some ups and some downs. There have been times when I have been so excited to be here and other times when I just wanted to go home. It has been an emotional rollercoaster for sure.

Today I had my penultimate activity as an IC intern. Having a screening at an community arts festival. It was pretty awesome. Reflecting on it I think that is what I have missed. I have missed the connecting with people about IC and seeing them get excited and inspired.

A lot of what I have been doing has been emailing and calling and it gets boring sometimes. But strangely I wouldn't change it. It has given me a really amazing insight into how a charity like IC works.

The thing about IC is that everything about it looks awesome. The website is awesome, the graphics are engaging. The movies are life changing. But it is hard work. I have seen Simon, Ami, Davy and Molly work their butts off.

For all the stuff that people see on the surface of IC there are layers and layers of hard work that goes into it. That has been eye opening for me. It has been a privilege to be part of. And now it ends.

At least for a while. At least until I get home and relax for a week and regroup mentally. I am looking forward to that. I am looking forward to just being with Brittany. No exams, no work, no responsibilities. If at least for a week.

So the title of this post was intended to portray two meanings. Obviously how my time in London is almost coming to a close. But also the events that are going on in Washington and London this weekend. 'How it ends' is going to be the part of something incredible. I think that everyone who works for IC are working towards an event that if successful could mean they wouldn't have a job. And I think they wouldn't mind.

Because if this weekend works, Joseph Kony will be arrested. It may take time but if that happens then what does that mean for IC. I'm sure that it will still exist. There will still be so much work to do.

But the reason that IC began in the beginning could realistically be finished. If Joseph Kony is captured and the kids get to go home then IC would move into a new phase and a new purpose.

I love that. I love that these people are dedicating their lives (some of them every single minute breathing IC) to something that could be over. So if you are in Washington this weekend or in London on Sunday or Monday please head along to these events. They will be awesome. They will look cool but more importantly they will help change lives if you go.

For me and my IC time that is all. There will be more I am sure. But for now that is it. It has been incredible. But all good things must come to an end. And more importantly some bad things too.

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