29 Apr 2011

Quick! Stop the Duke!

It may not be everyone’s cup of Earl Grey but it’s hard to not notice that today is the Royal wedding.

The day when everyone will be glued to their sofas and watching Young Willy and Katie tie the knot? Otherwise we would have got up and done something else.


Well maybe, but for some of us we will be working or washing our hair (what! are you washing  each hair individually that you can’t spare an hour?) or doing anything, and I mean anything else.

But if you have nothing planned for the day but want to avoid it like you would want to avoid…well the Royal wedding for example, then here is some friendly advice to help you get through the day.

1/  A bit drastic perhaps, but to avoid all the tension and the stress of the Royal Wedding; why not plan to get married yourself on the same day, and replace all the Wedding jitters with your very own SAS rescue style stress and nervousness. On the other hand, for people who don’t want to go to your wedding then the pre prepared ’awh sorry I’ve got another wedding that day already’ excuse for not attending is just perfect.  Although, when your mother uses that excuse….

2/  Act like your awkward friend from school who always turned up at birthday parties a day late and start to throw a street party on Saturday morning. Or at least pretend to, so when your neighbour gingerly informs you that the wedding was yesterday, you can quickly pack up and at the very least got to seem to your friends that you made the effort, but without the expense and the actual caring.

3/ Do throw a street party, get your friends to dress up as the wedding party and invite your creepy Uncle Barry* to play the part of the Duke of Edinburgh. This will give the party the realistic feel and tension that the Royal Wedding will inevitably have with old crazy talk Phil there.  Who will he offend? What will he do next? Who’s going to keep him away from the Bride’s mother? These are all questions and problems you will need to deal with.  Even let him make a speech if you are really brave. It will probably not be up to the standard of Harry and his Nazi cross dressing tom foolery tales, but it’s the best you can do at such short notice.

4/ Take advantage of the vacant streets, beat the queues, because there are none and head to Oxford Street for some shopping .

5/ Take advantage of the vacant banks, beat the queues and rob a bank.**

6/  Host an alternative party and play a game where each of you has to out offend each other with racist and culturally ignorant remarks called “Whose Duke of Edinburgh line is it anyway?"

So there you have it. This isn’t an exhaustive list of ideas of course, but I hope that it has at least got you started for the big day. I will of course be watching the extended highlights with all the goals and sending offs,  later that night hosted by Colin Murray. And I wait in excited anticipation for the Royal celebrity episode of Wife Swap this Christmas, where Kate travels to Qatar giving her the chance to experience a different lifestyle, one where she will be required to do the job of twenty seven wives.

But I do honestly hope that Willy and Katie have a memorable day and an amazing life together.

See. I do care.

*Uncle Barry is a fictional character. Any resemblance to anyone’s real creepy Uncle Barry is purely coincidental.
** Of course it would be much easier and less time consuming with the whole prison thing later, if you just use your card.


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